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 ON BEHALF OF OUR ENTIRE REUNION COMMITTEE, I' D LIKE TO ENTHUSIASTICALLY WELCOME YOU ALL TO THE 60'TH REUNiON OF THE CLASS OF JUNE, 1959 AND JANUARY 1960. AT TAYLOR ALLDERDICE H.S.

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 IF YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS OUR 65'TH REUNION, YOUR WATCH IS FAST

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IN WELCOMING YOU, I SPEAK ON BEHALF OF OUR ENTIRE REUNION COMMITTEE. IT WAS ALMOST UNANIMOUS.

ACTUALLY, THERE WERE SOME DISSENTERS, BUT ONCE WE THOROUGHLY DISCUSSED THE MATTER AGAIN, WE ALL AGREED THAT I COULD SAY THAT OUR DECISION TO WELCOME YOU WAS UNANIMOUS.

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WE ALL WORKED REALLY HARD TO PLAN THIS AND WE'RE ALL REALLY GLAD YOU ARE HERE.

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WE STARTED PLANNING OVER TWO YEARS AGO AT THE FIRST REUNION OF OUR REUNION COMMITTEE.

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IT WASN'T EASY. WE HAD TO WORK OUT THE ANSWERS TO SOME DIFFICULT QUESTIONS.

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FIRST, DID YOU NOT HAVE TO GRADUATE FROM ALLDERDICE TO BE INVITED?

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WE DECIDED TO COVER PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS SO IF YOU'D EVER BEEN IN A CLASS WITH ANY OF US AT ALLDERDICE, YOU CAN COME.

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NEXT, WHEN SHOULD WE HOLD THE REUNION - -  IN MAY, JUNE, OR SEPTEMBER?

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INTENSE DISCUSSION

 

SOMEONE SAID, " LETS TAKE IT BACK TO OUR HOME ROOMS,"

 

BUT, INSTEAD, WE POLLED YOU BY EMAIL FIRST TO PICK TO TIME OF YEAR THEN TO PICK SPECIFIC DATES AT THAT TIME.

MOST OF YOU PICKED THIS WEEKEND IN JUNE

 

 ONCE WE HAD DECIDED "WHEN", THE NEXT QUESTION WAS "WHERE?"

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WHERE SHOULD OUT-OF-TOWN GUESTS STAY?

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MY SUGGESTION WAS REJECTED OUT-OF HAND, BECAUSE --- WE LEARNED THERE WEREN'T ENOUGH ROOMS AT THE JEWISH HOME FOR THE AGED.

 

IT SO HAPPENS THAT THIS WEEK, THE JEWISH HOME THEY' RE HOLDING A REUNION FOR THEIR OWN ALUMNI.

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SO WE DECIDED ON AN OAKLAND LOCATION AND THE WYNDHAM BEAT OUT THE CHEAPEST COMPETITION - -  THE METHODONE CENTER ON FIFTH AVENUE.

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THEN WE HAD TO PICK A SPOT FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT GALA!

 

SOME COMMITTEE MEMBERS, WHO HAD BEEN IMPRESSED BY AFFAIRS THEY HAD SEEN AT THE SCHENLEY GOLF CLUB WERE ABLE TO CONVINCE THE REST OF US THAT THEIR CHOICE OF THE SCHENLEY WAS MUCH BETTER THAN MY CHOICE OF PANERA'S ON THE BOULEVARD EVEN THOUGH PANERA'S HAD FREE PARKING AND PROVIDED FOR CONTINUOUS DIET SODA AT NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE.

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SO A DEAL WAS MADE WITH THE WYNDHAM AND THE SCHENLEY GOLF CLUB

 

NEXT WE TALKED ABOUT GETTING A MUSICAL GROUP WITH MUSIC FOR DANCING. BUT WHEN WE GOOGLED TO FIND A GROUP TO PROVIDE APPROPRIATE MUSIC FOR OUR GROUP, THE ONLY WEBSITES WE FOUND WERE

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FOR A SOUND THAT'S RICH, TRY VOYVADICH

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AND DANCE OFF YOUR FEETS WITH ROY F. DIETZ.

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BOTH WERE TOO EXPENSIVE SO WE DECIDED - - NO DANCING.

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WITH ALL THE BASIC QUESTIONS ANSWERED WE DISCUSSED OTHER ISSUES.

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SHOULD WE HAVE SPECIAL SATURDAY AFTERNOON ACTIVITIES FOR OUR GUESTS?

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AS YOU KNOW, WE DECIDED ON NO SPECIAL ACTIVITIES FOR THIS AFTERNOON.

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HOWEVER, I WANT YOU TO KNOW WHICH OF MY IDEAS WERE REJECTED

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I SUGGESTED PLAYING"CAPTURE THE FLAG"ON THE ALLDERDICE LAWN

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BUT MY SUGGESTION WAS REJECTED AFTER SOMEONE GOOGLED TO DETERMINE WHETHER "CAPTURE THE FLAG" WAS SUITABLE FOR PEOPLE IN OUR AGE GROUP AND LEARNED THAT SOME EXPERT NAMED, "WEITZEL" WARNED THAT PEOPLE OUR AGE EAT TOO MUCH CORN BEEF.

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HOW ABOUT A SPECIAL SIGHT SEEING TRIP FOR OUT-OF-TOWNERS?

INSPIRED BY THE TRIPS THAT ENID AND I HAVE TAKEN TO THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA IN BEIJING AND TO THE WESTERN WALL IN JERUSALEM, I SUGGESTED WE ORGANIZE A RELATIVELY INEXPENSIVE TRIP TO A SIMILAR CULTURAL AND ARCHITECTURAL WONDER - - THE GREAT WALL OF FORBES FIELD.

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WE COULD MATCH THE THRILLS I RECEIVED FROM MY PREVIOUS TRIPS.

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AS IN BEIJING WE COULD ARRANGE FOR CAMEL RIDES ALONG THE FORBES FIELD WALL, AND ENLIST PEASANTS TO SELL TEE SHIRTS BRAGGING ABOUT HAVING VISITING THE GREAT FORBES FIELD WALL

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AS IN JERUSALEM, WE COULD ARRANGE FOR PLACES WHERE PRAYERS COULD BE INSERTED IN THE WALL.

 

WHAT COULD BE MORE APPROPRIATE THAN INSERTING PRAYERS IN THE ONLY WALL WHICH ENCLOSED A SPORTS FRANCHISE THAT FINISHED UNDER .500 FOR TWENTY STRAIGHT SEASONS?

 

ALTHOUGH THE COMMITTEE REJECTED MY IDEA, THE WALL WILL BE OPEN FOR VISITS TOMORROW, AT NO CHARGE, IF YOU ARE INTERESTED.

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FOLLOWING LEE OHRINGER'S LEAD, I ALSO SUGGESTED INTELLECTUAL DISCUSSION GROUPS ON SUBJECTS WHICH MIGHT BE OF SPECIAL INTEREST. BUT FOR SOME REASON - -  ALL MY IDEAS WERE REJECTED BY OUR COMMITTEE

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FIRST I SUGGESTED A CLASS ACTION LAW SUIT.

 

I RECENTLY MADE MANY TRIPS TO MY DENTIST TO PREPARE ME FOR THIS REUNION. WHEN I ASKED MY DENTIST WHY I HAD BEEN HAVING SO MANY DENTAL PROBLEMS, HE EXPLAINED THAT I AND MANY IN OUR GENERATION HAD DENTAL PROBLEMS BECAUSE WE NEVER LEARNED TO FLOSS PROPERLY.

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THIS CAUSED ME TO THINK. A LOT OF OUR CLASS WERE EDUCATED IN THE PITTSBURGH PUBLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS WHERE MANY OF US LEARNED ALL THAT WE KNOW ABOUT DENTAL HYGIENE FROM IDA MAE AND HAPPY. DO YOU REMEMBER, IDA MAE?

 

WHEN WE WERE IN FIRST GRADE, IDA MAE AND HER PET DOG,"HAPPY," VISITED ALMOST ALL US TO TEACH US HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS TO BRUSH OUR TEETH AFTER EVERY MEAL. THE SOURCE OF THIS PROFOUND DENTAL ADVICE WASN'T IDA MAE. IT ALL CAME FROM HAPPY.

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FIRST HAPPY WOULD WHISPER INTO IDA MAE'S EAR HIS DENTAL ADVICE.

 

THEN IDA MAE WOULD TELL US WHAT HAPPY HAD WHISPERED IN HER EAR. THAT IF WE WANTED TO PROTECT OUR TEETH, WE SHOULD BE SURE TO BRUSH AFTER EVERY MEAL.

 

BUT HAPPY NEVER TOLD US ABOUT FLOSSING

 

QUICKLY, MY WELL-TRAINED LEGAL MIND LED ME TO THE OBVIOUS QUESTION. WHY NOT A CLASS ACTION SUIT AGAINST HAPPY AND IDA MAE, AND THE PGH PUBLIC SCHOOLS FOR THEIR NEGLIGENCE IN FAILING TO TEACH US TO FLOSS?

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THE SUIT COULDN'T MISS. THERE WAS NO STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS PROBLEM BECAUSE WE WERE STILL SUFFERING DAMAGES AS A RESULT OF HAPPY'S NEGLIGENCE.

 

TOGETHER, OUR CLASS COULD FILE THE SUIT, COLLECT DAMAGES AND ESTABLISH A VALUABLE PRECEDENT FOR OTHER SIMILARLY AFFLICTED CLASSES OF ALUMNI FROM THE PITTSBURGH PUBLIC SCHOOLS.

 

LUCKILY, BEFORE I PREPARED THE NECESSARY PAPERS FOR YOU ALL TO SIGN, AT THE REUNION, I CAME TO MY SENSES. A CLASS ACTION SUIT AGAINST HAPPY, IDA MAE, AND THEIR SCHOOL SYSTEM COULD NEVER WIN. WE WERE ALL GUILTY OF CONTRIBUTORY NEGLIGENCE! I HAD FORGOTTEN. IT WAS REALLY DUMB FOR US TO HAVE TAKEN DENTAL ADVICE FROM HAPPY. WHAT DID HAPPY KNOW? HAPPY HAD NO TEETH.

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NOW YOU KNOW WHY THERE WERE NO PLANNED ACTIVITIES THIS AFTERNOON.

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BEFORE I INTRODUCE ARNIE TO TELL YOU ABOUT OUR CLASS'S ANNUAL GIFTS TO THE TEACHERS AND STUDENTS OF ALLDERDICE WHICH MAKES OUR JUNE AND JANUARY CLASS UNIQUE AMONG ALL OF THE CLASSES OF ALLDERDICE ALUMNI,

I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT ONE MORE IDEA I HAD FOR A WAY WE COULD MAKE OUR GIFTS IMMEMORIAL, NOT ONLY IN OUR CITY, BUT ACROSS THE COUNTRY

 

I THOUGHT, WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF OUR CLASS COULD DEVELOP A PROGRAM TO RESOLVE THE SERIOUS POLITICAL DIVISIONS IN OUR COUNTRY.

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YOU KNOW HOW BADLY OUR COMMUNITY IS DIVIDED BETWEEN THE PRESIDENT WHO ARGUES OUR COUNTRY SERIOUSLY NEEDS A BORDER WALL & HIS OPPOSITION WHO ADAMANTLY REFUSES TO USE PUBLIC MONEY TO BUILD IT?

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I THINK OUR CLASS COULD SOLVE THIS MESS SO BOTH SIDES WERE SATISFIED.

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WE COULD PROMOTE A PROGRAM TO BUILD THE WALL THE REPUBLICAN WAY.

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BY PRIVATIZING IT! I THOUGHT. WHY NOT FINANCE THE WALL BY SELLING ADVERTISING SPACE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE WALL BEFORE IT IS BUILT. WHY NOT ADS PUBLICIZING SLOGANS TO BE PUT ON SELL HATS, TEE SHIRTS, AND SWEAT SHIRTS, TO STIMULATE OUR ECONOMY IN MANY WAYS? EVEN BETTER, TO GET MEXICO TO PAY PART OF THE COST, THE ADS COULD BE BILINGUAL.

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HOWEVER, THE COMMITTEE REJECTED MY IDEA BECAUSE I LEARNED MY SPANISH FROM SENIORITA GOLDSTEIN SO I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO SAY IN SPANISH,"MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN."

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NOW I'LL LET ARNIE EXPLAIN TO ALL OF YOU EXACTLY HOW THE MONEY YOU HAVE GENEROUSLY DONATED TO OUR JUNE'59, JANUARY FUND HAS BEEN USED.

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